Why do I write?

“A non-writing writer, is a monster courting insanity” -Franz Kafka

I'm not a writer. In reality, I just talk; but how am I supposed to have this discussion with anyone else if I like doing both sides of the conversation?

As a child I found myself never sharing my feelings, always quiet, never showing too much emotion, just there. My father thought it was the best thing ever, “my daughter is not like other kids”, showing me off like if he won the lottery with a tame child. They say trauma spooks children, yet nobody seemed concerned of the little girl who always looked like she had the worst nap of her life and was coming for your heart and soul.

I think I had too much consciousness at that age, I remember a lot of my thoughts from back then. So full of anger yet all I wanted to do was cry. “Why do I always want to cry?” is what I asked my mother when I became too painfully aware of these feelings that would keep me up at night, giving me the unfortunate curse of becoming an insomniac. She said it's a generational thing, apparently all women from my family tend to be quite sad. I wish she would have given me a resolve back then, I assume that's why I asked. “This is a secret you keep to yourself, don't mention it to anyone. If you break and have to cry, make sure nobody sees you. Nobody can find out”. How does a child process such a statement?—Are we different? Why do I need to hide? Does it go away? —I wish I would have asked, but I think deep down she wouldn’t have answered anyhow.

I am 22 now, so of course I know that the whole thing could have been handled better, but as a child I plainly didn’t know, only that everything my parents would say was final. It's a feeling that I have come to accept—the dejection, I mean. Here I am 2 failed long term relationships later realizing—hey maybe it wasn't a good thing that I didn't want to talk about things that bothered me; and it wasn't my willingness to conform that scared them it was the absence of emotion towards change that did, well at least that's what they saw. I write from a faceless page with an anonymous name because I live in the fear of someone knowing my real thoughts while also knowing me; I never had a diary growing up for this reason. 

Writing hasn't completely changed me, it wasn't a cure all that instantly rewired my brain, but it's a work in progress. This is how I will create evidence of the emotions I actually feel and not believe what others perceive of me—the lack thereof. Every day, I put down every simple thought I come up with, and it's slowly allowed me to figure out where my feelings are hiding.  My brain stays quiet when I type, it lets my hands do all the talking, while using my heart as guidance; I find myself feeling closer to sanity.

I hope to someday reach the ability to show my face in a picture and use my real name. To not dissociate my feelings from who I am. To not live in a lie of my emotions in order to protect myself from a fear that shouldn't take control of my life.

I write in hopes of someday I could be free.

im still me

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hey guys! I feel so productive with two posts in one week, oh-em-gee! I hope you guys enjoy a little glimpse into who I am. until next time <3